Baboon Bitch

When sharking for female baboons, dominant male baboons often perform a curious ritual known as the 'false mount'. This involves briefly mounting a submissive, younger male from the troop. In a sex way.

To the casual voyeur, this may look as though some hot homosexual baboon action is on the cards; however, this is not (generally) the case. Our dominant male is merely making the point that the lesser males are his bitches. Well, so he claims.

A Very Old Wagon

The earliest known representation of a four-wheeled vehicle is found on a pot known as the Bronocice Pot, discovered near Krakow. Beardy archaeological types think the pot- which has a crap illustration of what appears to be rudimentary wagon - dates from 3635 BC. Or thereabouts.

Rude-Sounding Islamic Tax

In an Islamic state, a per capita tax can be levied on certain non-muslim citizens. This tax is called a Jizya.

Jizya. Snigger.

Funeral for a Fish

The Swedish dish gravlax - that is, salmon cured with salt, sugar and dill - literally means 'grave salmon'. This dates back to the Middle Ages when those zany Swedes would ferment 'said fish by burying it for a while.

Jain Spittle

A fact about JAINISM today. This Indian religion is the world's 9th most popular faith; if Christianity is The Beatles and Islam is U2, then Jainism is probably...Phil Collins. Let's fact!

Jainism is a very gentle, careful religion. Not only do Jains sweep the ground in front of them as they go - thus avoiding accidentally killing insects - but when performing holy deeds, Jains wear cloths over their mouths and noses to avoid saliva falling on texts or revered images.

I do wish vicars in church would do this too. You could squint and pretend you were at a Michael Jackson concert.

Leprosy. I'm not half the man I used to be..

Leper colonies used to be very popular. There were, it is estimated, 19,000 of them across Europe in the Middle Ages. They were the Tesco of their day, albeit more pleasant to visit on a Saturday afternoon.

Needlessly Long Words

Long words can unquestionably add weight to what you're saying (or writing). Assuming, that is, they're used with economy and good judgement.

But what of those unspeakable pricks, those dictionary-sluts, who insert a 'prevaricate' where a 'lie' will suffice? Who wield a god-awful 'facilitate' in place of a perfectly functional 'arrange'? WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

Here's what they're doing: they are depitating. Depitation is the use of long or complicated words in a bid to appear more intelligent. Sadly, if you use the word 'depitation' in a conversation, people will probably accuse you of depitation.

Four!

Four is the only number in the English language for which the number of letters in its name is equal to the number itself.

This is also the case in Dutch (vier).

Rock n' Roll Comma

"Paint It, Black" is the title of a truly smashing Rolling Stones song. I have just listened to it in the office, and it was all I could do to stop myself launching into a full-scale Jagger imitation on my desk.

But knew you this - that the comma in the song title is an accident? It was never intended to be there by the band. But owing to a mix-up at the record company it was inserted on the record label, it stuck, and the rest - as Keef croaked, before lighting up another industrial-strength fag - was 'istory, man.

En Epic Aardvark

All hail the snuffly little aardvark, a charming creature who boasts the distinction of being the first animal in the English dictionary.

Sadly, the unfortunate aadvark is much sought-after by African tribal Hausa magicians, who make a charm from its heart, skin, forehead, and nails, which they pound together with tree roots. Wrapped in a piece of skin and worn on the chest the charm is said to give the owner the ability to pass through walls or roofs at night.

I really don't get how myths like that come into being. I mean, if they said it brought good luck, that would be at least plausible. But 'the ability to pass through walls or roofs at night'? Did no-one think to subject this to a quick, brutal empirical test?

Caligula Would Have Blushed

The 1979 film Caligula, scripted by Gore Vidal, has a cheeky claim to fame. It is the only mainstream motion picture starring eminent film actors (Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, Peter O'Toole) which features hardcore sex footage.

Much like a Tuesday evening at my flat, Caligula features orgies, masturbation, fellatio, cunnilingus, anal fisting, male and female homosexuality, transvestism, sibling incest, rape, male and female urination, decapitation of prisoners using a lawnmower-type device, infanticide, implied fratricide, penile castration and testicle castration.

Saucy!

Humane Costa Ricans

"...to a place of execution, where you shall be hung by the neck until dead."

Chilling words indeed, but not ones that have been heard in Costa Rica for a long time. Because Costa Rica outlawed the death penalty in 1877 - a full 28 years before liberal, enlightened Norway, and almost 100 years before the beastly, barbaric UK.

Finnishing First At Javelin

Finnish people are very good at throwing the javelin. This is the only Summer Olympic athletic event in which they've had any repeat success in, particularly during the last 100 years.

Kurt Was A Shandy Drinker

When Nirvana appeared on UK television show The Word in 1990 or thereabouts, their backstage rider consisted of three cans of Top Deck Shandy.

ROCK AND ROLL. Can you still even get Top Deck Shandy?

I Piddy The Foo Who Attack Diana Ross

Before he became famous for driving a van, being scared of flying and piddying foo's, Mr T worked as a bodyguard for a host of celebrities - including Diana Ross and Michael Jackson.

Ou Est Mon Passport?

British passports have not always been written in the same language.

• Before 1772 they were written in Latin or English.
• From 1772 to 1858 they were written in French. (FRENCH! Blo-ody HELL!)
• From 1858 onwards they have been written in English, with a French translation of certain sections since 1921.

Powdery Heron

HERONS! Eerie, great-winged guardians of canal and marsh! Sinister sentinels of plashy wetlands! Marauding enemy of the fishpond enthusiast, and friend to the ornithologist! What splendid and noble birds you are.

But knew you, my fact-hungry little chums, that the Great Blue Heron has a singular trick up its feathery sleeve? It has special feathers that crumble to form a powder. The enterprising bird rubs this powder onto its other feathers to clean them and make them repel water.

Let us ascend the tallest tower and cry to the stars above - HERONS! HERONS! HERONS! Ahem.

Fruit nomenclatures

Between its early days as the Chinese gooseberry and its modern incarnation as the kiwi fruit, the kiwi had a short-lived period under a third name: Melonette.

A-Ha's Clever Keyboardist

Have you heard of Magne Furuholmen? Almost certainly not. He is the keyboard player from 1980s Norwegian pop sensations A-ha. But Magne has a further claim to fame: as well as playing that smashing riff in "Take On Me", he also once designed a postage stamp for Norway.

Lytch-in? Ly-ken?

Ly-kun? Litch-in? However you choose to pronounce these sparse, mossy plants, one thing's for sure - they're totally, like, magic! At least, medieval peasants thought so.

During the Middle Ages, the Doctrine of Signatures (a sort of Medical Dictionary With Added Superstition and Witchcraft) proposed that plants resembling a human body part could be used to treat disorders pertaining to that body part. As such, because of its resemblance to lung tissue, the lichen Lungwort (Lobaria pulmonaria, taxonomy fans) was used as a totally ineffectual remedy for tuberculosis and other diseases of the lungs.

So ladies and gennelmen, put your HANDS together PLEASE, and give it up for the Mossiest Plant On The Moor, The Hardest-Healing Wort In Showbusiness, the one, the only, LICHEN!!! AWL-RIGHT! Phew.

Sorry, Denmark

Great Danes do not come from Denmark. They were developed in Germany, from dogs taken there by a group of people called the Alans.

The Alans? They deserve a fact of their own..at some time in the future.

Left Leg In...

Awwww HOKEY COKEY COKEY! Gor blimey, guv, everyone loves the Hokey Cokey. It's a staple of pissed-up parties, particularly if you have a number of loveable cockneys in your friendship circle.

But if you're thinking of using it in an advert for your product, better check which side of the Atlantic you're on. In the UK, the Hokey Cokey is regarded as a 'traditional song' and, as such, can be used rights-free. In the USA, it's under copyright and costs $32,000 dollars to use it for a three month ad campaign.

Shake it all about, indeed.

Semitic Soft Drink

Mountain Dew is a delicious caffeine-filled citrus soft drink, extremely popular in America.

However, it astonishes me that they have never been sued by the Jewish peoples inhabiting the eastern Caucasus, mainly of Azerbaijan and Dagestan. Because these people are commonly referred to as....Mountain Jews.

Literary Customs Official

Although many of us think of the customs official as an unfortunate knave who wasn't quite bright enough to be a policeman, it is a profession with an illustrious history. For medieval poet GEOFFREY CHAUCER spent twelve years working as a customs official in London.

"Ywis, be theyse fagges for ye personal consumptionne onlye?" as he probably said on a daily basis.

Rock, Paper, Fist. I mean scissors.

Rock Paper Scissors. So much more than a way of deciding who gets to eat the last bit of garlic bread. At least, to Americans it is: there is a national Rock Paper Scissors LEAGUE, with big money prizes, sponsored by crap yank beer Bud Light.

Judging by this picture I found of a 'match', it's also more than a trifle homoerotic. Rock Paper Scissors? Cock, gay-per scissors, more like! Or something.

Manx Death

You can still be sentenced to death in the Channel Islands and the Isle of Man, where capital punishment has not been formally abolished.

In practice, the Home Secretary usually reprieves the unlucky sods who are handed this sentence (some within the last ten years).

Dairy Hippies

Ice cream moguls Ben 'and' Jerry originally wanted to start a bagel company - but couldn't afford the bagel-making machine.

Pissed-Up French Doctors

On the basis of a 1999 study involving doctors in the Paris region, almost one of four employees regularly consumes alcohol at work with colleagues or clients.

"Zut alors. Zere is a lump ere. Ah theenk it eez serious. Let's 'ave a glass of wine."

The Thinking Man's Beatle

George Harrison! Moustachioed, gaunt, and mystical. The thinking man's Beatle of choice. Never mind the snide, sarky, Lennon, the perma-grinning thumb-thrusting Macca, or Ringo the Arhythmic Drongo. Not only did George write what Frank Sinatra described as 'the greatest love song ever written' (Something, off the Abbey Road album), but he was also quite the polymath: he played 26 different instruments.

Admittedly, he was no Hendrix on the guitar, but that's probably because he'd rather dedicate his time to learning the Punjabi throat bassoon or something. Let's hear it for George!

Cut-price supermarkets

Katona-endorsed supermarket chain ICELAND is, indeed, part-owned by an Icelandic company. This came as something of a surprise to me - I had always imagined that it was wholly English, and that the Icelandic folk were aggrieved that we'd named a rubbish frozen food emporium after their beloved nation.

Two Facts For The Price of One

The world's oldest known cat was called Spike. He was a ginger and white tom, who lived in Bridport in Dorset, and he was a stonking 31 when he finally made his way to the great litter tray in the sky. He was very old, sah.

ONIONS ORIGINATED IN IRAN.

Homesick Romantic Poet

Lord Byron - expat par excellence, who spent three years holed up in Venice when all of England wanted him dead for being a dirty gay - was partial to 'sending home' for things.

Letters have been found from LB to his publisher, Andrew Murray (no relation to the dour tennis star, sadly), requesting things including English-language books, a special red tooth powder only available in England, and - most bizarrely - a bulldog.

Manatee Death: It's Fiction

I've been reading about jetskis today, and found the following gem on the Personal Watercraft Industry Association website: In a review of over 25 years of manatee mortality, records indicated that no personal watercraft has ever been implicated in a manatee death or injury.

So next time you feel like your jetskiing is being curtailed by your manatee concerns - wave them aside! It's just the politically correct lobby talking rubbish.

One Inch Bear Punch

The Tibetan bear - the creature which is said to have inspired the myth of the yeti or abominable snowman - can kill a yak with ONE FIST.

Not something many of us can claim.

Joni Mitchell

Joni Mitchell! She's a warblesome folkstress with a voice like molten gold. "They paved Paradise, and put up a parking lot," she once mused, oblivious to the parking needs of Paradise's ever-swelling population.

But Joni's life has not - as you might expect - been one long bed o' folksome roses. She caught polio as a kid, which weakened her left hand; consequently, she plays guitar chords in unusual shapes and tunes her guitar weirdly. This led to her distinctive, somewhat jazzy sound.

So there you go! Polio. It killed a lot of kids, but it also progressed folk music. FACT.

American Spelling

The FBI's investigation into the September 11th attacks was the largest in US history. But still, they couldn't be bothered to think up a decent name for it. It was called Operation PENTTBOM.

This annoys me for two reasons:

1) The blinding literalism of it ("WOH! They've like, bombed the Pentagon! What the hell are we gonna call this goddamn investigation, Hank?")

2) The stupid spelling, with that extraneous "T" and the second "B" missing. I bet hours of FBI time were wasted by employees entering the wrong name in official documents, then having to go back and correct it.

Baap

Baap means 'sin' in Thai.

Backwards Urination

Some animals urinate backwards. Camels, hippos and raccoons are notable examples; when these beasts feel the call of nature, you would well advised not to be standing behind them.

But let's say the worst happens, and you find yourself drenched in two pints of camel wee. What word would you need, to describe the cause of your misfortune? Well, it's the splendid RETROMINGENT. Because 'retromingent' is the adjective pertaining to any beast who passes water in such a direction.

A Dutch Party Game

The Dutch! Tall, cheese-eating, tight-fisted libertarians that they are. Here is a fact about the Dutch.

They have a party game called 'Spijkerpoepen', which basically means 'nail shitting'. To play Spijkerpoepen, get a belt and hang a length of string from it. On the end of the string, tie a nail. Now put the belt on, and place a bottle on the floor.

The object of the game is to squat over the bottle and attempt to manoeuvre the nail into the bottle neck, as if you were pooing it in. Lovely.

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